It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
