He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I need a beard to bite.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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