I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
