After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
