Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
