he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
