At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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