Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
