it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
