Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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