Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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