I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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