If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
