I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
