I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
