Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
