this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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