1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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