You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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