quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
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