i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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