im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
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I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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