Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
