why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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