I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
