I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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