dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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