How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
i've created a new STD.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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