i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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