I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
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