Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
