I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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