Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
