Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
