I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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