ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
