did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
