hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
