I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
