I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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