It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
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i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
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in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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