I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Randomize
