Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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