can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
