Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
