Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
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