my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i think my mom watched the whole time
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
