No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
