What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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