Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
