Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
