How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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