see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
