Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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