It's like God shit irony all over that family
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
