you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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