this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
